MADAME'S MANUSCRIPTS

I typically keep my ‘sassy’ in check while at the shop. Well, I try to. But on this particular summer afternoon in early July, my hot flashes, combined with the Alabama humidity, surrounded me like bumble bees in a field of flowers on the first day of spring.

I heard the melodic bells ring on the shop doors as two ladies walked in. I welcomed them to the shop and knew immediately that one of them was going to be trouble. Not the criminal type of trouble, (go visit our TikTok account to see how we handle those types), this one was the fussy, cranky kind of trouble. Even though I had just smudged the shop, I felt her negative energy immediately. I let out a soft sigh, reminded myself that this too shall pass, and put on some red lipstick. It’s been my experience that there isn’t much I cannot handle with big hair, red lipstick and a smile. Humidity had ruined my big hair, but I had the lipstick and the smile. If nothing else, I knew her visit would give me fabulous material for my blog.

Is this for sale?” She bellowed from across the shop.

“Even with my glasses on, I cannot see through walls, I’ll be right with you.”

I loudly replied, while smiling.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at the customer I was helping. I finished wrapping the vase she had just purchased, thanked her for coming in and then took a sip of wine. I was going to need it for what was coming up.

I walked to the other side of the shop and looked for her. There she stood, arms crossed, defensive stance and an expression that looked like she just ate a bowl of rhubarb with a Kombucha chaser. With my sweetest voice and brightest smile, I asked how I could help her.

“Well you could begin my telling me how much this chandelier is, or is it free since there is no tag?”

I giggled and told her it was not free but was on sale for $99. I explained that the tag was missing because another customer had wanted to purchase it earlier but when it was time to check out, her husband had decided against it. (Ladies, please stop bringing your husbands with you when you shop, remember, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness, than permission).

Are you interested in the chandelier?”

“I must be since I asked you about it. How long is it?”

“It’s 18′ long.”

“How do you know?”

“I measured it yesterday.”

“How about you check again, the last thing I need is to get it home and it not fit.”

“Do you really think it’s grown since yesterday? I haven’t watered the chandeliers yet; I promise it’s the same size.”

Her friend that was with her laughed out loud…

“oooh I like her, she got you there Joan…”

I returned with the tape measure and again told Joan that the chandelier was, in fact, 18″ long.

“Well I’ll have to think about it, now come tell me about this chair, it doesn’t have a tag either.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, that chair sold about an hour ago.”

“Where’s the sold sign, what kind of place is this?”

“This is the kind of place where items sell rather quickly and while it should have a “sold” tag on it, I was busy helping the other customers in line and then there was the watering of the chandeliers.”

Joan walked away, but her friend smiled and winked at me. I then returned to the register to help other customers… and take another sip of wine.

Twenty minutes went by and Joan approached the register and said to me…

“I have something to tell you, that I know for certain you do not want to hear.”

I smirked and leaned in towards the counter, I had a feeling this was going to be good. Well, maybe not good, but definitely entertaining.

“Don’t expect anyone to ever come back to this store of yours and you should know that you won’t be in business very long!”

ok, I wasn’t expecting that comment, but in my sweetest tone, I replied,

“We actually have a strong customer base of repeat customers and dozens of new customers each w…..”

Joan interrupted me.

“When I was here last year, you wouldn’t let me use the ladies room.”

“Oh my goodness!!! Do you still need to use the ladies room!?!”

“I do not, and this is probably going to be the last time I shop here. You’re no spring chicken honey, how would you like to not be able to pee all day?”

“You’re right, I’m no spring chicken but I’m one curvy cougar who gets Botox in her bladder every six months. Would you like the name of my doctor? You’ll be able to shop all day at your favorite stores that do not have public restrooms. It will be a whole new world!”

There were a few moments of awkward silence and a handful of muffled giggles, some coming from her friend. I stood there a bit surprised that I just basically told a surly stranger that I sometimes date younger men and get Botox injections for my overactive menopausal bladder. Ah well, just another day at the shop.

Joan walked out the door before I could thank her for coming. Her friend trailed behind her, then turned around and promised to return soon. She could tell I looked a bit taken back at her wanting to return.

“Really?” I said with a laugh.

“…Oh, you can bet I’ll be back, this was wonderful, I haven’t laughed this much in a while, and I’ll be calling you for the number of that doctor!”